Divine Interruption

“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Its SrimAn Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“SriMAAn Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“SriMan Narayana” says the big fat woman. “You are a blot on the face of this planet.”.
“You eat onions!”
“what insolence!!”
“and garlic”
“you have periods”
“so do you”
“We will go our own ways, fat woman. We’ll see who has periods”
“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.

For all practical purposes, the above represents a complete summary of the advancement of the generic iyengar community since times immemorial (approximately 300 B.C.E.), till date. In this process of continued advancement, was developed the unique art of making the female of the human species look like a particularly colorful penguin. It has something to do with taking nine yards of cloth and getting caught with it in a tornado.

“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“look! penguin!” says the wayward traveller. Big fat women have a huge party and as it usually is when they get excited:

“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Its SrimAn Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“SriMAAn Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“SriMan Narayana” says the big fat woman. “You are a blot on the face of this planet.”.
“You eat onions!”
“what insolence!!”
“and garlic”
“you have periods”
“so do you”
“We will go our own ways, fat woman. We’ll see who has periods”
“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.

Evangelical christians have been belted enough. Enough to make it seem like a budding sport, that is. It has great potential and all of us can rejoice at the good prospect. Thanks to the efforts of people who have dedicated whole afternoons to the sport, we now know that these evangelicals (noun. english root: oblong-genitals) do not give much for evolution; understandably, since evolution hasn’t given much to them*.
Anyways, this is about arctic birds and I deviate (although not by far). As a sincere spectator of evangelical-christian-bashing, I should suggest a working alternative for south indians, for not all of us can travel all the way to southern U.S.. Generic iyengars (G.I.s) make for good fun and if the basher is sincere enough, can be more fun than evangelical christians. For one, there is usually more of a single G.I., say Jaganadhan (who unfortunately lost the title to the onion-cooking, pot-belly-lacking Joe who went on to become the most burnt thing till ‘The Alchemist’ came along.), than an E.C.. Where most E.C.s spend their childhood giving birth to siblings, G.I.s wait their turn till they are older (about 22), although it wasnt always that way:

“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Come children, time to deliver” says the frail old woman.
“Look! penguins!” says the wayward traveller... and so on and so forth.

When birthing and partying got boring, they went about disguising themselves as other animals and birds like the time when I saw this woman calling out to a crow with some colorful food, thinking that it was her cousin or uncle or someone like that that she married. I didn’t think that it was him at all and was so busy trying to imagine what it would be like if the crow ate the food and jammed her right in the eye for it afterwards, that I completely lost my train of thought for this post. I tried for a bit afterwards to regain it but kept wanting to find out what happened to the woman’s eye. So I dressed up accordingly - G.I. males don't need as much cloth nor do they need as heavy a wind - and visited. Two fat girls, not more than 18 years old, opened the door. After some introduction about me, my family, my family’s family, their hometown, their neighbours, their families and so on, till a common link was found, I had the happenings of the day narrated to me. The frail old woman’s eye was apparently pushed so far in that they had to use an ear-bud to check her vision. Turns out it was her husband.

So I’m sitting there right now, with the girls having gone to get the door again so that other disguised relatives can come in, except cats. No G.I. ever dressed as a cat. Most of them are penguins and fawns; one is a golf ball bleeding at the forehead and another is a belly dressed in a thread and bleeding at the forehead. All I can discern from their loud interruption is that the only thing left unchanged in the frail old woman is her sincerity as a mid-wife.

“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Sriman Narayana” says the big fat woman.
“Come children, its time to deliver” says the frail old woman...

Man I hate them.

* So they wrap themselves in cloth and pastors to look human and reproduce. If Adam and Eve were the only two fat nude [people] created by Elrond Hubbell (scientology must be given its dues), it is obvious and scientific that one of them - Adam - must be the pastor and the other must be wrapped with him. Hence the age-old tradition.